To New Beginnings...

I love the self-help section of the bookstore. Do they even call it the self-help section anymore? So many great titles that entice those of us looking for something. But I peruse the isle searching not for help necessarily, but for my 'something'.

At this time I had been working for over a year for an insurance company as a financial rep-basically an insurance agent. I was brought in my last year of college for their internship program and the promise of a career waiting upon graduation. I was 28 years old when I began the internship. I was working as a bartender as well and had a significant history in restaurant management. I was getting ready to graduate with a degree in psychology. Not the most cohesive resume-trust me, I know and I've seen brow furrow across the desk a few times. This is probably why as I'm walking through Barnes & Nobel I'm asking myself the question that has been plaguing me for the last couple years: 'Where am I going?'

I didn't know and all the titles are telling me to go get 'it'. Get what? I didn't know what I was looking for! The insurance company appealed to my sense of responsibility, family, structure and potential income. The bartending I was beyond ready to quit and the psych degree? Something I started when I was 20 and in community college, when I had ideals, hadn't taken statistics yet nor read the hundreds of studies written in APA style. Upon returning to college at 26, the school of life had not taken the psychology route in the least.

But what was MY 'something'? Still, I graduated, got a 'big-girl' job and went to conventions, had a big office, an assistant and business expenses. I began feeling more lost than ever. Anxiety attacks started to occur, something I've never had before. They paralyzed me from doing anything, seeing people and going into work. The smallest task was impossible and felt like a mountain of work I hadn't the energy to climb. I lashed out, blamed everything and everyone for adding to my stress and my wonderful boyfriend and I started going to couples-counseling. To add insult to injury, due to my inactivity I wasn't making any money (strict commission only job) and had created significant credit card debt in addition to depleting much of my savings. All within a year.

The day I was in Barnes & Nobel, it might have been the true day I decided to quit. I came across Bethenny Frankel's new book, 'A Place of Yes'. I've liked her since she was on the Real Housewives, her witty quips and no b.s. honesty make her feel like family. Chapter four is entitled: Everything's Your Business-Finding my stride as an entrepreneur. She points out that this rule isn't limited to work, but to life as well. That line brought me back to my looming question: 'Where am I going?' and gave me an opportunity to change the way I had been thinking about that question.

'Where am I going' is too vague. Its too subject for frustration and gives too much opportunity for procrastination. So I changed my question to: 'What in my life isnt working?' If my life is my business, then I need to pull back and work on my life a bit before determining whats next.

This was Christmas time, and I took the time off to really think about what wasn't working. I was almost out of money and I knew the first thing I needed to do was stop the flow of money pouring out of my wallet and regain some control over my life. So, the beginning of the year 2012 I walked into work and handed my boss my letter of resignation.

I felt better instantly.